Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Body by Oreos
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes