Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
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…..pretty much.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
😂🖐️
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”