@NotJPo

Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.

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@PaperWash

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

@Kyle_Lippert

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

@daneZie

How to fall down stairs
Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11

@_coryrichardson

girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never

@NourHadidi

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

@leslid79

“I’m gonna cramp your style.” – Menstruation

@sixfootcandy

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out
“Oh come on. Even I’ve done THAT!”

@leshnevsky

– Judy, you have such a great taste!
– Steve, stop biting me!

@BradBroaddus

Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”

Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”

@deegeemindi

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.