what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
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Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
How to fall down stairs
girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant
her dad: hey bud you coming inside?
me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“I’m gonna cramp your style.” – Menstruation
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out
“Oh come on. Even I’ve done THAT!”
– Judy, you have such a great taste!
– Steve, stop biting me!
Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”
Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.