Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.

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what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?


Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.


How to fall down stairs
Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11


girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never


I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.


“I’m gonna cramp your style.” – Menstruation


How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out
“Oh come on. Even I’ve done THAT!”


– Judy, you have such a great taste!
– Steve, stop biting me!


Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”

Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”


Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.