@SunnySideUp1987

Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I’m already here…..

-Men

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@LuvPug

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

@Buffalojilll

Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????

@psybermonkey

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

@michael_raphone

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

@prodigis

whenever a song says put your hands in the air i do it on the spot. i have fun and also an alarming vehicle collision record

@AverageCorners

My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.

@casey_csaszar

My dog cant hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away

@KeetPotato

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”