I had to share this!!!
Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I’m already here…..
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When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
whenever a song says put your hands in the air i do it on the spot. i have fun and also an alarming vehicle collision record
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.
My dog cant hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”