Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I’m already here…..


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Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.


My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.


I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks


Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys


At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.

I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.



When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, “Shark! Help!” And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.


*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*



A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her