I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
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Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
this is so top tier i cant
Meme Monday.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.