Open books don’t get judged by their covers.

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I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.


My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.


My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.


Tattooes turn an average man into a man to look twice at. If i see ink i know he can handle pain….and that works for me, cause I’m a pain.


My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.


With a stolen credit card, who WOULDN’T go straight to Wendy’s to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? So thanks for asking for ID, lady.


[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those


Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”


The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.


*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*