After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
forgive me baja for i have blast
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.