Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
You wish you had this many chins.
crochet youtube is brutal
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
They’re called werewolves.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”