@RickAaron

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

- @RickAaron

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@junejuly12

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

@FatherWithTwins

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

@noog

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

@paperphotoyo

My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.

@Amburglar_

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

@jordanklepper

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

@Wakenbake77

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

@UnFitz

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.