Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

- @RickAaron

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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.


I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.


I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.


My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.


I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.


THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?


I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk


Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.


A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.