Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
President The Rock Obama
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly