I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
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Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don’t really wanna hear about your ‘summer’ house.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line