@RickAaron

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

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@RyanHolmquist

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

@nPhelendriqal

I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don’t really wanna hear about your ‘summer’ house.

@TheCatWhisprer

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

@Sassafrantz

Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.

@ArfMeasures

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

@dafloydsta

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

@BuckyIsotope

Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line