[open casket funeral]

woman (wailing): HE WAS A GOOD OPEN CASKET

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*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn


Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs


Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.


“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.


Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”


*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*


Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.


I’d definitely watch a show with Dr. Phil going door to door reading people’s Google search history out-loud with the most judgmental stare.


At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”


“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.


Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?