*open freezer*

*open fridge*

*open pantry*

*lower standards*


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Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?


[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*


*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?


If Batman doesn’t wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.


Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore


Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”


SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.


FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”


Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him