You Might Also Like
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
channeling her this year
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that