Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
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*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
If Batman doesn’t wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
SON: can i yell bomb?
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him