Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.