Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
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Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.