Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.


good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything


Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it


I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.


If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.


Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn


I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.


Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.


I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18