“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
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Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics