@EliiHenry

*Open up, police!!*

“NO YOU’RE GONNA YELL AT ME.”

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@DearAnyone

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

@bestestname

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

@LnL245

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

@SharkJelly

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

@3sunzzz

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

@chenchenzh

you’ve seen bao and you’ve seen pizza, but you might have not seen 包砸 #baozza

@d_haggar

I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.