Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
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[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?