*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
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“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!