@JohnLemongrab

“open up, this is the police!”
“well, I’ve felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I’m sad all the time-”
“no the door open up the door”

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@JhonRules

Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?

@notalogin

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

@_steamy_mac

Me: I have a bad feeling about this.
Her: About what?
Me: It doesn’t matter. Name it.

@MavenofHonor

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

@UnFitz

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

@Jandalize

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

@AndyAsAdjective

people said my days of misquoting famous idioms were over but I’m like a phoenix rising from molasses

@lasergirl70

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

@TinaMav

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

@ruinedpicnic

“anyone for turkey burgers?”
turkey: well sure haha
“oh, it’s not a burger for turkeys”
turkey: what is it then
“uhh”
turkey: say it