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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise