“open up, this is the police!”
“well, I’ve felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I’m sad all the time-”
“no the door open up the door”

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Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?


After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.


Me: I have a bad feeling about this.
Her: About what?
Me: It doesn’t matter. Name it.


Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules


“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect


I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.


people said my days of misquoting famous idioms were over but I’m like a phoenix rising from molasses


I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.


My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck


“anyone for turkey burgers?”
turkey: well sure haha
“oh, it’s not a burger for turkeys”
turkey: what is it then
turkey: say it