“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
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friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Breaking news:
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?