@Bandersnaaatch
@Parkerlawyer
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
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@Parkerlawyer
@EJGomez
“911? Yes I need to report an incident”
“What is it mam?”
“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”
“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”
@TheTweetOfGod
“So help Me God.”
No. Don’t order Me to help you. I’m God, you bipedal worm.
@rupert_franklin
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
@Tmoney68
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
@FrazzleMyGimp
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
@OutOfLeftField_
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
@blade_funner
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
@mommajessiec
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
@aldomax_
Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today
Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature