They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
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“911? Yes I need to report an incident”
“What is it mam?”
“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”
“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”
“So help Me God.”
No. Don’t order Me to help you. I’m God, you bipedal worm.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today
Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature