@Bandersnaaatch

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

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@Parkerlawyer

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

@EJGomez

“911? Yes I need to report an incident”

“What is it mam?”

“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”

“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”

@TheTweetOfGod

“So help Me God.”

No. Don’t order Me to help you. I’m God, you bipedal worm.

@rupert_franklin

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

@Tmoney68

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

@OutOfLeftField_

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

@blade_funner

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

@mommajessiec

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

@aldomax_

Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature