Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
You Might Also Like
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole