@CatsForDinnerz

Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.

You Might Also Like

@SteveSuckington

[job interview]

“What’s your..”

*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic

“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”

@WilliamAder

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

@AbbeYaar

You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.

@crushingbort

one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell

@Thrill_Tweeter

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

@Jade_VK

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

@envydatropic

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

@bonehugsnirony

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.