@notviking me: what your biggest fear?
date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic
me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?
@CatsForDinnerz Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.
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@notviking 
@sock_holliday Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
@wolfpupy 
@Tmoney68 Don’t think you’re immune. We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away.
@WheelTod Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
@caseytduncan “Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
@JDBooie “I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
@PMTheron1 How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
@Skoogeth Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
@KeetPotato [2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”