@SteveSuckington
[job interview]
“What’s your..”
*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic
“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”
@CatsForDinnerz
Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.
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@SteveSuckington
@WilliamAder
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
@AbbeYaar
You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.
@crushingbort
one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell
@lucascomedian
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
@Thrill_Tweeter
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
@Alex_LaVallee
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
@Jade_VK
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
@envydatropic
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
@bonehugsnirony
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.