Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
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my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
#gardening
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My dating profile:
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Trying
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
barbara was highly relatable