@Rainbowbunee

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

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@LizHackett

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

@heyitsJudeD

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

@TheTweetOfGod

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

@DrakeGatsby

? THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

@Schmoodles

Nuts I like:
-Cashew.
-Almond.
-Pistachio.

Nuts I don’t like:
-Hairy.
-Religious.

@TheHyyyype

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

@ch000ch

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

@MatCro

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

@ndiquote

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.