Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
japanese corn
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.