Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
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*pronounces injury like lingerie*
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Why font matters.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.