Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

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To back up his “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” theory, Newton should’ve released one simultaneously saying “no it doesn’t”


[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you


“Ten years ago, we had no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash!” –cemeteries


Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.


Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828


I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.


I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.


[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.