@EliBraden

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

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@NickMotown

To back up his “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” theory, Newton should’ve released one simultaneously saying “no it doesn’t”

@bornmiserable

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

@KenJennings

“Ten years ago, we had no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash!” –cemeteries

@Angrea

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

@Book_Krazy

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

@Importantest

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

@4SLars

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

@TheToddWilliams

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.