[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
reviewed some movies recently
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder