“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

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Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?


If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss


If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.


when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away


I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body


[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta


People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.


The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.


If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.