“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
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fourth time’s the charm
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.