Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You’re happy until shit explodes in your face.

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*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”


ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911


Me: You wanna have sex tonight?

GF: I’m not in the mood babe.

Me: Hold on a second. I’m on the phone.


*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people


MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.


“How much are these glasses?”
“$150 sir”
“I guess you could say”
*puts on sunglasses*
*runs out without another word*


But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?


Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.


Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework