Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
You Might Also Like
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner