*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You’re happy until shit explodes in your face.
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Me: You wanna have sex tonight?
GF: I’m not in the mood babe.
Me: Hold on a second. I’m on the phone.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
“How much are these glasses?”
“I guess you could say”
*puts on sunglasses*
*runs out without another word*
Huge, if true.
But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework