Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Whisper out to librarians!