Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
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To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I use my neighbor’s outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I’d invite him, but my cat’s funny about bathing with strangers.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.