@ShutUpThatsWho

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

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@CantWaitToNap

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

@peachesanscream

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

@CommonSavant

I use my neighbor’s outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I’d invite him, but my cat’s funny about bathing with strangers.

@HomeWithPeanut

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

@online_rat

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

@sokangarude

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

@LittleMissZesty

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

@Dana_Bruno

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

@TheRealJackDee

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.