[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
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Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Follow me for more life hacks.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.