Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
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Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
it must be school picture day
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
worst…sale…ever
Selfie
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?