@the_wordwizard
Buy the haunted house…
You’ll never be lonely.
@CulturedRuffian
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
You Might Also Like
@the_wordwizard
@whatbabytalk
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
@Reverend_Scott
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
@wolfpupy
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
@meganamram
Always a metermaid never a meter
@Darlainky
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
@girlontapas
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
@jollyrobber
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
@AsgardianRose
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
@macchiatonumb
They say women only use 10% of their anger