[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.


You Might Also Like


Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*


Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle


my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it


“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.


Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.


My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.


If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.