Buy the haunted house…
You’ll never be lonely.
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Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Always a metermaid never a meter
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
They say women only use 10% of their anger