@CulturedRuffian

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

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@whatbabytalk

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

@Reverend_Scott

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

@wolfpupy

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

@Darlainky

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

@girlontapas

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

@jollyrobber

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

@AsgardianRose

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.