I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. 🙁
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
[ roll credits ]
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Hey, guy who named the mustache
Hair lip was available
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Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
I don’t hate you. Hate is such a strong word. I just want to tickle your brain with this ice pick.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain’t no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*