[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

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I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. ūüôĀ


If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.


Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available


A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.


Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.


Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven


I don’t hate you. Hate is such a strong word. I just want to tickle your brain with this ice pick.


[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]


I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain’t no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck


[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*