[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
i really liked this one
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me: