@prufrockluvsong

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

You Might Also Like

@weinerdog4life

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. ūüôĀ

@AbbyHasIssues

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

@Sickayduh

Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

@BrattyBarbie

Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.

@squirrel74wkgn

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

@SocialustGal13

I don’t hate you. Hate is such a strong word. I just want to tickle your brain with this ice pick.

@KeetPotato

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

@recoveringbapti

I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain’t no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck

@KalvinMacleod

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*