*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
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Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Human are so complicated
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix