[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
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I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?