[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
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Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.