I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors….
The Ginger Bred House.
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I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they’re probably blacked out and just won’t remember I stole their car.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!
Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING