@ashmensch

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

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@hasht4g

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

@desi_princess

No thanks officer. I don’t even give strange men my phone number, and you’re asking for my license and registration.

@TheIntComShow

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

@AnkCoupleTO

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

@mattZillaaaa

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

@InternetHippo

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

@JohnLyonTweets

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

@JohnLyonTweets

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

@MattMcC1

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

@huntigula

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”