*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”