@xLiserx

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

You Might Also Like

@DrakeGatsby

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

@Holy_Mowgli

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

@juliussharpe

Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.

@figgled

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

@KrunkedRobot

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

@Prof_Hinkley

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

@jakery

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years