@xLiserx

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

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@Wine_Honey1

You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.

@ElleOhHell

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

@BoogTweets

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

@hippieswordfish

*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone*
SKELETON: you cant…it’s not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media

@SnarkyMommy78

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

@Havish_AF

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

@MomOnFire

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

@chrisdowning

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

@momjeansplease

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.