*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

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Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”


picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor


5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.


Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.


Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs


Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.


What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus


How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?


mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years