*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts