@UnFitz

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

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@KattsDogma

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

@TheTweetOfGod

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

@muffathukka

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

@shopkins776

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

@WheelTod

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

@itsmebeegee07

I just attempted a smoky eye and long story short, the raccoons have made me their leader

@SCBamaMan

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

@TheAlexNevil

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

@hoedeehoe

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

@SortaBad

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants