Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
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My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
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4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo