If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
boat question
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”