*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

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[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*


me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk


I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined


If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.


I can’t believe women used to have to wear shoulderpads, i’m so grateful menstruation moved to the vagina in the 90s.


me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there


DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.