whatcha thinkin bout
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
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[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I can’t believe women used to have to wear shoulderpads, i’m so grateful menstruation moved to the vagina in the 90s.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Because water should be crunchy.
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.