*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
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[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
“Huge”.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup