DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
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If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.