*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.


Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment


I’m pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.


A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.


I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt


I only drink to forget that my 4 year old daughter has an iPad Touch and I have to ask for her help when it’s my turn to play on it.


“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent


I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.


Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.


FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course


ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine