*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.