*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”

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Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?


[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*target arrives

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?


The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.


*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.


Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”


Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.


[rap battle]

mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that

oompa loompa: [deep breath]


ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?



I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up.


Expecting an idiot to admit they’re wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.