(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
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We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed