*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
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[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .