*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
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I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings