@1oftheKates

*Opens Fortune Cookie*
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@Marlebean

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

@daemonic3

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

@RodLacroix

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

@somelightcrying

[think of idiom]
firing on all cylinders
[post tweet w/ idiom + literal interpretation]
mr. on all cylinders, ur fired
[wait for 100+ faves]

@JPLFR80

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

@AndyAsAdjective

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

@Social_Mime

They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.

@SentenceReduced

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

@FredTaming

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead