I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
*Opens Fortune Cookie*
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The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[think of idiom]
firing on all cylinders
[post tweet w/ idiom + literal interpretation]
mr. on all cylinders, ur fired
[wait for 100+ faves]
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Your an idiot.
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead