[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals