[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

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I’ve mastered the art of knowing what not to say…not saying it, whole different story


[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.


The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.


Relationship status:

Carpal tunnel is ruining my sex life.


My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.


I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.


Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam


ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?